I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
