He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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