Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
