The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
