Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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