Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
