I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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