A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize