it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
