my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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