im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
