im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize