I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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