You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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