this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
