I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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