Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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