mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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