Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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