that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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