I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
