It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
