woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
