How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
