Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
