I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There are leaves in my underwear?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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