Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
