dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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