i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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