I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
