I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
