I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
