My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
