Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
