Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
