Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
