Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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