so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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