she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize