I've blown a few things in my day
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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