she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
