My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize