did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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