***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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