"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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