Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
