i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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