I think I just saw someone hide a body.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
