I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
