oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
