I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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