Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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