I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
