just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
