He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
