Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
