Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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