I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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