How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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