Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
