i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
