Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize