god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
