During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize