make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
