totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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