My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
