I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
