I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i now understand why vodka
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
