his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
